Invasion of Iraq
week three

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Last update: 10 April 2003, 01:21 BST

Still no sign of the Weapons of Mass Destruction

Well, here we are in the third week of this unjustified invasion and there’s still no sign of the Weapons of Mass Destruction which we were all told was the reason for the invasion. At least that’s the reason we were given, unless they made a mistake and told us instead that the reason was regime change.

The so called Coalition claims that US troops have entered Baghdad as I write this and they’re are still claiming that Saddam Hussein may resort to using these famed weapons. The operative word here is may. It may well be that he won’t. It may be that he doesn’t have any (just as the weapons inspectors said). It may also be that we’ll spot a flying elephant over Baghdad any day now.

Will anyone actually believe them anyway if they do claim to find any at this stage?

Quantum theory

I am coming to the conclusion that the invasion of Iraq may in fact be a large experiment in quantum physics.

This conclusion stems from the continual questioning about whether Saddam Hussein is alive or dead. It could be that someone somewhere decided to test the Schrödinger’s cat thought experiment for real. Mr. Hussein is the cat, while Iraq is the box. The bombs raining down on the country are the equivalent of both the radioactive particle and the jar of poison.

Mr. Hussein is in a superimposition of quantum states and is both alive and dead at the same time. Eventually, someone is hoping to find him, collapse the wave function and so cause him to be either alive or dead.

Sound crazy? It probably is. But it’s no more crazy than the other reasons given for this mindless slaughter.

Iraqis welcoming the US?

Are the Iraqis really welcoming the US forces? Doesn’t seem like that to me. What they’re really doing is welcoming the downfall of Saddam Hussein’s regime. Not the same thing at all.

I wanna be president of Iraq!

So who are they gonna make into the puppet leaders of Iraq then? They keep mentioning the Iraqi National Congress. Just who are these people? From what I’ve heard they seem to be a strange alliance of rich Iraqi self-exiled businessmen and religious zealots?

The guy they keep mentioning as the one they can do business with left Iraq with his family in 1956 and returned for a couple of weeks in 1992 before exiling himself to the States again. He’s got only a little more connection with Iraq than I have, having hardly set foot in the place for 47 years. I haven’t set foot in Iraq for 52 years. That’s only five years longer than him. I think I may as well stake my claim as well.

Of course, if I got elected (eventually, when they hold elections) the US would then organise a coup to overthrow me just like they’ve done with so many other elected leaders they didn’t like such as Allende in Chile.

Come you masters of war
You that build all the guns
You that build the death planes
You that build the big bombs
You that hide behind walls
You that hide behind desks
I just want you to know
I can see through your masks
Masters of War
(Bob Dylan, 1963)

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