I have been trying to suss out just where my life is going, if it’s going anywhere at all, but have come to the conclusion that I really haven’t a clue. It’s all a mystery.
This is not a new endeavour. It’s one I’ve been engaged on for the past 50-odd years probably ever since the first time I ever had to think “Phew! What’s that smell? And how do I get rid of it?”. Well, not quite since that time but definitely since I realised that, while there was no way to stop it, there was a way to prevent it from happening again. The aim was simple: all I had to do was to stop cacking myself. The aim was simple but the method was difficult. There were many more such smells before there weren’t any anymore.
It’s quite possible that ever since then I’ve never used as much effort to do anything. It’s entirely feasible that the most momentous achievement of my life, so far, has been to allow myself to become potty trained. In comparison to that everything else just seems to have sort of happened by itself. Ah-ha! Moment of revelation! Or is it? The problem is that I still don’t have a clue.
This is not the start of descent into madness. I’ve been like this all my life and have never been able to quite get any real handle on what’s going on. Things just seem to happen. Very rarely do I seem to have much influence over what does happen. Sure, I usually think that I think that I have influence, even great influence, over what happens but I still have the feeling that whatever it was that happened just happened by itself. If this is descent into madness then I’ve been crazy all my life and I’m pretty sure that I haven’t.
Don’t ask me why I’m airing this in public. I really don’t know
Posted 7 July 2004, 23:25 BST